Ask the lawyer to explain his or her understanding of what narcissism is and how a narcissist behaves during a divorce. The answers must be specific enough to convince you that this lawyer knows about narcissism and the dishonesty and grandstanding you can expect from a narcissist during a divorce.
Full Answer
There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top — which is the only place he or she feels safe. Law firm culture — with corner offices, voting rights and named partners — may support a narcissistic lawyer’s need to be the best, the most right and the most competent, to do everything their way, own everything, and control everyone.
Being exposed, especially in front of people they want to impress, will trigger the narcissist’s rage. Family law professionals will witness a distinct personality change and have proof that the narcissist’s words don’t line up with their actions. The narcissist will be careful not to directly malign you in court.
In order to get a legal professional to see through the narcissist’s facade, you need to get your spouse to act the way they do with you when they are NOT in court, or in the mediator’s office. The judge or mediator needs to observe your spouse behaving badly in order to believe you.
Narcissists are also trauma victims, but their adaptive defense mechanisms are very different. This is also known as “putting you back in your place.” A narcissist can use silence to control you and make you feel responsible for the perceived injury.
Use the word “we” to enroll the narcissistic client in a common cause, winning the case. Don’t tell him “I need you to…” because in doing so you set yourself up as an authority, and in the narcissist’s mind, he alone is the authority on all things.
Narcissistic Behavior. Narcissism is defined as a psychological disorder that stems from a profound lack of self-worth and insecurity. Narcissism shows up primarily as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, entitlement, an excessive need for admiration, and an inability to withstand the slightest criticism.
Narcissists will fire off blame in any and all directions whenever something doesn’t go their way. Once again, it’s useless to argue with narcissistic clients or offer any attempt to correct their perception. Ignore the blame, and move on to the solution.
Narcissists have little patience with anyone else’s concerns. However, they didn’t get successful by doing nothing. They are most often people of action, so action steps make sense to them. Frame whatever you need from your narcissistic clients in action terms, keeping them as short as possible.
Narcissists know they are always right—no matter what. The temptation is to argue with your narcissistic clients, since you know, from your legal standpoint, that they are patently wrong. All you will accomplish by setting them straight, no matter how gently and diplomatically, is to get them riled up, and with that, subject yourself to a stream of verbal abuse and a staunchly uncooperative client.
Robertson says that in divorce cases involving a narcissist, there is one party who is approaching everything logically, and the other—the narcissist—is approaching things emotionally. This means assets are at risk as the narcissist wants to “ win” at all costs.
The lawyer can be a buffer and do most of the communication about the divorce for you or through your spouse’s attorney. If there is something your spouse has threatened you with or that you don’t understand, present it to your lawyer rather than going over it with your spouse.
It won’t do any good to keep trying to engage the narcissist or get him or her to come to empathize with your plight or see your point of view. It’s an unproductive cycle, and in a divorce, time is money so the sooner you disengage, the sooner you’ll reach the end of your divorce.
My first tip when dealing with a narcissist or anyone for that matter is to deal with them from a place of love, respect, compassion and understanding. These are good quality traits to have anyway. As a webmaster it is imperative that we show the utmost professionalism when working with our clients.
One of the key traits to a narcissistic client is the demand for your attention and ear. They will talk for hours if you let them without accomplishing much of anything. There are some cases that have been brought to our attention that those not getting all of the time they want with you can turn into anger and even threats.
At other times, the simple reason for a long period of silence from your narcissistic spouse is because she is too lazy to tell you what’s wrong and she is too special to have to explain anything to someone so inferior (you).
A child raised by a narcissistic parent craves that parent’s love but, unable to obtain it, attempts to do whatever it takes to receive the attention from a parent otherwise incapable of providing such attunement . The helpless child morphs his personality, may embellish his achievements, and lie to stay out of trouble or to receive love, instead of neglect. Raised in a harsh and cold environment, the child learns that if he is a good boy, he will receive attention and praise. If he doesn’t win his soccer games, he will be chastised. This child may learn to develop narcissistic defense mechanisms to make up for his perceived shortcomings. These maladaptive behaviors may become affixed and permanent over time, and, as an adult, the narcissist may overcompensate for his feelings of deep unworthiness by bullying others or storming off when he doesn’t get what he feels he deserves.
Based on my experience, many attorneys do not understand the nature of narcissistic abuse that is often very covert. Although most narcissists yell and scream during narcissistic rages and will inevitably break all boundaries by shouting in your face and calling you all kinds of disgusting names, much of their emotional abuse is more covert. Most will be masters of covert emotional manipulation and abuse by resorting to long periods of silent treatments, ghosting, or stonewalling. All of these are done typically to punish you for some perceived transgression.
Although those suffering from borderline personality disorder may rapidly cycle between worshipping you (idealization) to hating you (devaluation), narcissists typically do not cycle repeatedly between the extremes with the same people.
Narcissism Is a Shame-Based Disorder with Maladaptive Defense Mechanisms. Although it seems like most narcissists seem to be shameless, they actually feel deep shame, but their defense mechanisms protect them from truly identifying with that shame.
Fourth, another one of the narcissistic symptoms is that these attorneys are most often very envious of those around them with advantages they do not have and believe that others are also envious of them. Fifth, attorneys with NES require excessive admiration. They need constant approval from those around them.
In the story, Echo falls in love with Narcissus and gets rejected.
Echo responds, "I give you power over me.". Both Narcissus and Echo die because their love is unattainable. Many of us cannot find a balance between ourselves and others. One of the greatest problems facing young associates inside law firms is what I call Narcissistic Entitlement Syndrome ("NES").
The attorney with NES believes he/she is special and should only associate and work for other high-status people and institutions. Third, attorneys with NES generally lack empathy and are unwilling (or unable) to identify with the needs or feelings of others (which is also considered a sense of entitlement).
The issue with NES inside a law firm is that the attorney with it is in service of themselves. For the most part, being an associate in a law firm is something that is not going to quickly lead to massive glory, riches, or fame. Instead, you are being hired to work hard and make the firm money.
There is a difference between healthy and unhealthy narcissism inside a law firm. It is, of course, healthy to have a basic sense of your rights. You have a right to not be treated unfairly, and you also have a right to be proud of your achievements and to tell others about them.
An attorney with NES will also generally exaggerate his/her achievements to others. Indeed, attorneys with NES like to speak about their achievements (and do) quite frequently. As a product of these fantasies, the attorney will often show a very arrogant attitude.
Winning in court or in mediation requires backing up your statements with evidence. Your opinions are hearsay, but documented facts are proof. When you’re in front of a judge or mediator, pretend you’re a reporter. Lay out the evidence that provides a narrative of your ex’s character and behavior. Remember: don’t get emotional! The more you stay calm and reasonable, the more your narcissist spouse will be frustrated that they can’t get you to look bad. Your demeanor, and exposing the inconsistency between their words and their actions, will make your spouse reveal their true personality.
The Psychology Of The Narcissist. The Narcissist has designed a perfect exterior to cover their deep-seated sense of inadequacy. As long as you appeal to their false self, they will value and even idealize you.
The narcissist will be careful not to directly malign you in court. Instead, they will find subtle ways to make you look bad, something along the lines of: “she tries so hard to be a good mother, but I worry that her anxiety upsets the children.” If you react to their manipulative behavior by becoming emotional or defensive, you will look like the high-strung, checked-out parent that they claim you are.
Legal professionals are suspicious of spouses who diagnose their partner. So don’t show up with the DSM , pointing at your spouse as you read off the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder! If you come across as critical – and become emotional as you do so – you’ll create a bad impression.
First, you must remember that your family law professionals will be meeting you and your spouse for the first time, so initial impressions count. Don’t expect your judge or mediator to be the omniscient parent who will automatically see through your spouse and give you what you want – especially if your narcissist spouse is charismatic ...
The silent treatment is especially used by narcissists in a relationship as a means of gaining control. It causes women to develop a progressive feeling of isolation, of being left emotionally dry and bereft precisely in the most intimate of relationship.
Fighting means you’re more likely to stay together. Fighting allows you to focus on your problems and to solve them before they become too large. That’s why couples who argue together, stay together for a long period of time.
At best the silent treatment isan immature behavior used by spoiled brats and manipulativeindividuals. At worst, it is a weapon used by abusers to punish their victims. One demographic of the population that particularly loves the silent treatment is the narcissist.
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Narcissists will ignore you as a punishment for some perceived slight such as not worshipping them. You may be ostrasized, given the cold shoulder or the silent treatment. This is their way of killing you off. Basically to sum it up, if you are a threat to their ego, you’re going to get ignored!
When you are being ignored by him after an argument, it could be because he doesn’t want the matter to escalate beyond how it is. Maybe he wants the atmosphere to cool down so you can both settle things amicably. He believes ignoring you will make things die down as fast as possible.
The silent treatment is widely regarded as a form of emotional manipulation and even psychological abuse. It is the act of ceasing to initiate or respond to communication with someone else or refusing to acknowledge them altogether.